How to Quit Your Job and Become a Full Time Travel Blogger in 10 easy steps.

1. Don’t.

If you can’t work it out for yourself, don’t do it. And definitely don’t pay anyone else to do it for you because if they were any good they’d be too busy to help your bludgin’ arse. No one makes money through travel blogging. If they try to tell you they do and you can too, it’s a scam. Usually an MLM pyramid scheme. The only way to make money on the internet (while simultaneously having the dignity to sleep at night) is to either physically create something that can be sold for profit, or to be so good that you’re genuinely attractive to serious advertisers who understand the difference between real and fake traffic. The third option is to do it because you just wanna do it and fuck every other cunt. The last option is less profitable but beats all the others.

If you are too much of a drongo to follow the first simple rule, read on.

2. Assume everything is a scam, because it is.

Travel bloggers create hundreds of clone accounts to artificially boost their follower count which tricks simple cunts and lazy “growth hackers” into believing the page(s) really are worth following. Once multiple accounts with seemingly tens of thousands of followers have been created, the creator then begins their pitch for what it is they’re really selling: their digital pyramid scheme. Some of these people are genuinely nefarious while others are just brainwashed retards. Don’t become either. If it sounds too good to be true it 100% definitely is.

3. Beware of repost scum.

A reposter is someone who gains a large following without actually contributing anything to the world themselves. I think fashion blogging is about the stupidest thing on the globe, but as long as it’s original content it still beats the shit out of repost pindicks. If you create original content, no matter how shit it is, at least include a watermark so if it gets stolen by a repost shitlicker nothing will happen because no one gives a shit. But do it anyway probably.

4. Post less boring articles.

There are millions of crappy travel blogs out there but somehow they’re all identical. Post about something you saw that you think no one else saw. No one gives a shit about the Taj Mahal. Even when I was there myself it was boring because I’d already seen it a million times.

5. Post less articles.

Not only are most peoples articles boring, they post way too many. Give it a rest ya bloody plonkers, no one give’s a rats.

6. Post less boring pictures.

No one wants to see you in a bikini on the beach. I’ve got pornnhub and redtube for that, and I can only assume women would only be posting pictures in their bikinis in the hopes that blokes will flog off over them. Yes those sort of pictures get lots of likes and probably attract followers, but if you’re fine with that why don’t you just become a stripper and make the big bucks?
The same thing goes for blokes. Put your shirt back on cunt. What do you want, a medal or a chest to pin it on? Go start a stuck-up poofter modelling page if you love yourself so much that you think your face needs to be in every shot. People want to see the landmarks, not your ugly mug.

7. Post less pictures.

Not only are most peoples pictures either banal, self-absorbed, obtuse, jejune, vapid, uninspired and tedious, they post way too many. This leaves it up to the audience to trawl through their hundreds of shitposts to find maybe a couple of good ones.

8. Post more articles.

This speaks for itself.

9. Post more pictures.

So does this.

10. Posts less lists.

Lists are a dead giveaway that you’re lacking creativity and ya got buckley’s chance of making it interesting, let me give ya the drum! If you feel the need to create a list just so you can spit out another shitty article that no ne will read, make sure each item on the list is on a separate page, preferably with an ad in between each one. This way, you can shamelessly whore yourself out for a few pennies from the extra clicks, while simultaneously annoying both your audience AND your advertisers. In unrelated news, advertisers please feel free to contact me.

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India – Varanasi – Part 2

(For more riveting travel tales, click or hover your mouse over the home button above. After you read this masterpiece obviously).

The Blue Lassi shop (not to be confused with the Bhang Lassi shop), is an essential visit for anyone visiting India. If you plan on coming to India without trying a delicious yoghurt-based milkshake from the Blue Lassi shop in Varanasi, you should probably cancel your plans altogether. The Blue Lassi shop doesn’t offer everything on the menu all the time due to seasonal variations (in other words everything is fresh as fuck) but whatever is on offer is indescribably delicious. I dunno why the cunts don’t just buy shit from Woolies but, cos them pricks keep blueberries fresh all year. The rest of us civilised cunts know how to live properly because we’d perish without supermarket chains and the division of labour.

img_1070This bloke is named “King Lassi the Conquerer III” known for conquering his family business to make it world famous, and also for making a pretty good yoghurt milkshake.

 

The Blue Lassi shop is located in an simple to find location with a very easy to remember address:
D 36/190, Godowlia Rd, August Kundaas, Godowlia, Varanasi, Uttar Pradesh 221001, India

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This is a bloody great drop, a papaya and pomegranate lassi from the good cunts at the Blue Lassi joint. Dunno what all them poofter ingredients mean but it’s  good shit nevertheless.

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Luckily addresses are essentially useless in places like Varanasi where the main thoroughfares have more cows than cars, and some lanes don’t even allow motorbike access because the lanes are so small. But ask literally anyone in the Main Ghat area where the Blue Lassi shop is and they’ll take you there. Everyone is always really excited to help out a western tourist, so when they hang around after they’ve helped you it’s because they’re expecting a tip, and depending how far out of their way they go to help you, and since 100-200 rupees is a decent tip, be fair to the poor cunts. One kid volunteered to carry my luggage from the closest road to my hotel in Varanasi (about 1-2km through ancient zig-zag lanes I would have never found my way to without local assistance) and he never asked for a cent. Needless to say I offered him about 300 rupees or so (~$5 Australian dollars), maybe a bit much if you’re a cunt who hates poor people but industrious behaviour like that should be rewarded.

Of course, trusting people is a potential risk in India, the whole time this genuinely nice bloke was helping me I couldn’t stop thinking “how do I escape if I need to? Which direction did I come from” etc, since for all I know he could have been taking me to get robbed or something. Don’t listen to people who say trust your gut feeling and shit like that cos your gut feeling is wrong most of the time, and if you’re a spiritual dipshit you’re way more likely to get ripped off by “holy men” aka sinister sādhu’s.

One 12 year old kid even helped me out immensely and literally said when offered, “there are more important things than money :)” and left without accepting anything for his efforts.

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Bought this kid a feed since I thought it might be the first for a few days.
I found out later he was actually a professional child tout for the local fake silk store where he took me a few days later (if you’re into silk, learn about thread counts and how silk is meant to smell when burnt or prepare to get ripped off). The idea is to guilt stupid tourists into buying shit because this “honest” little kid went out of his way to help you. In other words they’ve mastered the art of the long con. I sang the kids praises in front of the evil greedy silk traders but I told the kid in private that I knew what he was doing and to just take my cash but he wouldn’t have it. He must’ve been far too proud to accept an honest dollar (either that or they belted him into submission in the past when someone tried something similar).

After a while in India you start to realise why all the locals hate the beggars. But as long as you’ve got decent instincts and only offer what you can afford, no matter the emotional blackmail, you should be fine. Think of it as playing the trots at the local sporties. Ya win some ya lose some.

As long as you manage to dodge the touts, another great thing to do in Varanasi is to get insanely wigged out by cannabis-infused lassi’s (basically like a dope milkshake). Not quite (or anywhere near) as delicious as the beautiful drinks from the Blue Lassi shop, but incredibly more spiritually enlightening and eventually sleep-inducing. I think the secret ingredient is ginkgo biloba .

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As you can tell by my picture, I was experiencing extreme G-forces during lift-off causing disgusting face contortions. Thankfully I had trained for this event years in advance to lower any significant life-threatening risk.
Especially great after blasting off to Jupiter via a cannabis-infused yoghurt-based milkshake, is seeing the great sights of India, such as like, um, an elephant roaming the streets for a parade. It will wig you right the FUCK out about one hour after you guzzle a green lassi and you come across one accidentally:

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Of course, in India all walks of life are embraced and expected (bipedal humans technically less likely) to be slaughtered. I’m sure after seeing the above picture, you’re all wondering “where is the best magical potion shop in Varanasi?”. I can clear that up for you no wakkas, since I know Rajeev from the adjacent coffee shop near the Golden Temple (aka the Kashi Vishwanath Temple). He told me that he agrees with Punjab local, Anshuman Venkatanarasimharajuvaripeta, who both declared that elephants in the middle of the CBD is a fucked idea.
1689541_1465254800460629_745687880_nDespite the setback we finally managed to find the local apothecary who specialises in all sorts of fancy perfumes, from good smelly liquid powder to average smelly liquid powder .If he would just learn to put the Kanye West brand on his baloney perfumes he could triple his money over night.

 

This man also runs the biggest free range cow farm in India. Or maybe it’s the largest bovine brothel in the subcontinent. I wasn’t there long enough to ask questions.:

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Thank Krishna that these cows live in concrete enclosures their whole lives so their tits can get painfully full to be squeezed by an Indian bloke just so he can mix it into his morning tea. Pissweak vegan poofters. We never mistreat cattle in Australia, that’s how we keep milk under $1 a litre.

Speaking of tea, due to some strange reaction with ox milk or the dissipation of fat content or fuck knows what, this is what an India chai looks like because it always grows a filthy skin on top:

11347790_945775488799298_2080959251_nNevertheless, I guarantee no tea or coffee anywhere on the glove will ever compare.

 

This guy tried to scam me but luckily he didn’t have a leg to stand on:

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Anyway that’s all I can be fucked dribbling shit for now, come back next time or fuck off, it’s up to you. But either way there might be a new article one day soon. (For those who have only just discovered the internet, hover over the “Home” button to see a list of the other shit travel articles I’ve posted).

 

P.s. in conclusion here is an ascetic sadhu taking care of an orphaned monkey:

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India – Getting Around (or not) – Part 1

(For more riveting travel tales, click or hover your mouse over the home button above. After you read this masterpiece obviously).

One thing you need to remember before booking your trip to India – you will never get anywhere on time. Traffic jams will feel like paradise compared to sitting on the concrete at a rat-infested traino with 5000 other passengers because of your 7pm train that doesn’t show up til 1am. You can’t even afford to go to sleep because the delays are always ambiguous, and so is the platform your train will arrive on until a few minutes before it pulls in. Contrary to popular belief, organising your trip through a travel company doesn’t make the trains run on time either.

untitledA quiet night at a small regional train station in India.

Your worries aren’t over when the train finally shows up either. That’s when you find out those 5000 people on the platform aren’t all just homeless people. They’re in the same carriage as you.

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At least on a long distance train you can book your own “berth” aka a shelf that folds down for you to lie on. The train is a great way of getting around in India but make sure you’ve booked something spacious and comfortable like in the image above. Avoid standing tickets at any cost, because this is what you get:

img_0394For your comfort, fans have been installed to give the illusion that they might get turned on at some point.


On a crowded train you also need to watch out for pickpockets. There are also terrifying sex offenders likely to be travelling with you.

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!!!

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Thankfully, travelling India by train can be safe and fun as long as you book a decent bed, don’t carry any money and put a strong padlock on all zippers of your bag. If your ride is only a few hours even in a chair carriage you’ll be fine. Snack vendors offer plenty of food poisoning to help you pass the time.

img_0118Just kidding, this was a mad feed for the equivalent of 20 cents. Didn’t even get crook.

Australians are a very curious specimen to the Indians. When you are spotted waiting for the train, you become the entertainment for locals who have never seen an Aussie outside their natural habitat.

img_0114Old mate in the background is ringing the local mayor and journalists.

At other times, the sheer volume of the crowd allows you to maintain your anonymity (but not personal space or oxygen).

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Thankfully, India has a special reservation system specifically catering to certain tourists who for some reason have more right to a seat than locals.

cowThis travel savvy zebu has learnt how to beat the crowds by following the signs to skip-the-queue!

11881747_530669583763940_1287012783_nThis curious cow is checking the latest specials.

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Unfortunately, sometimes no matter how important of a monkey you are, you still have to sit around and wait.

India – Varanasi (Part 1)

(For more riveting travel tales, click or hover your mouse over the home button above. After you read this masterpiece obviously).

Varanasi is an ancient fairytale land located on the banks of the mystical Ganges River, located in the most populous state of India, Uttar Pradesh. The importance of the city in the Hindu religion attracts ascetic sādhu’s who relinquish worldly possessions in search of inner peace and enlightenment through līn ho jānā [melting into God] by performing extreme meditation practices. The closest translation to modern Australian vernacular is “lazy pricks sitting on their arse dribbling shit and smoking dope”.

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As you can see, there are heaps of homeless blokes. Beware of professional scabs in the Dashashwamedh Ghat (Main Ghat) area, they will stop at nothing to trick you into giving them financial assistance!! One sheila came up to me multiple times asking me to buy her baby formula, directing me to one specific shop where she obviously had an arrangement with the shopkeeper, because the baby formula prices at this shop were mysteriously about quadruple the price of anywhere else. When I said to her, “how about we try next door instead”, she gave up on me and disappeared to find the next chump.

img_1155Greedy bitch.

Of course, there are plenty of real beggars who just need a few rupees to get a feed. Don’t listen to the dickheads who say not to give money to beggars because it “encourages them”, they’re a few sangas short of a picnic. There are begging mafias that chop limbs off children to make them more profitable beggars, but don’t be a bloody galah and just give them 50-100 rupees in change so they can tell their boss you only gave them 20 and pocket the rest for themselves. Another good option for if you want to help a beggar but aren’t sure whether they’re trying to rort you is to offer them a bit of grub instead of a few bob. If they actually need it they’ll take the food, if not they’ll insist on cash so tell them to gobble your arse.

Many middle class Indians don’t give a shit about beggars because they’re desensitised, so tourists are really their only lifeline. Travel companies and tour guides don’t want you to “encourage” beggars because it makes it inconvenient and uncomfortable for the rich cunts who want to visit another country to see all the sights while living in a bubble so they don’t have to interact with those pesky locals. If you ask me, people who travel like that have got a few roo’s loose in the top paddock.

img_0127Sometimes you can’t tell if someone is homeless or just waiting for their train.
Despite the prop infants used as emotional blackmail for scams, Varanasi is a very pleasant city. One of the main attractions is the open-air crematorium where devoted Hindus offer their corpses to be devoured by flames to achieve freedom from Saṃsāra, the infinite cycle of reincarnation. Here is a picture of the burning ghat known as Manikarnika Ghat.

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There will be people who try to tell you that filming or taking pictures of the burning ghat is forbidden, but  that’s because there are dodgy ratbags who trick tourists into paying to have their photo taken there. Still, don’t be a rude prick because it is someone’s real funeral (usually multiple people’s at once) so try to make yourself scarce. The best shots are taken from a boat as you travel along the Ganges.

img_1003Here’s me stealing a job from the locals.

When catching a boat along the river in Varanasi, never take one from the main ghat because they price gouge the dumb tourists like you and me. Walk a hundred metres in the direction you want to travel and ask people their prices along the way, take the cheapest one and give him a good tip for being an honest bloke. There is no shortage of boaties in Varanasi  so the people offering you cheap prices are the ones not getting much work.

I was also lucky enough to be in Varanasi for the Maha Shivaratri festival during my visit, a celebration of the Hindu God of running amok and smoking dope. Seriously.

11850344_892211514190394_1489723516_nHere’s me with a 30ft painting of Shiva smoking cones. This bloke pulls one like a horse and carriage.

I think he does some other shit too, like being the God of destruction personified in the Hindu trinity of supreme divinity known as the Trimurti, but mainly he’s the high lord of getting baked.

While this festival draws unbelievably enormous crowds, don’t worry because there is plenty of security:

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Despite there only being a lone copper, visibly petrified by the fact he could be overpowered by the crowd at any instance, the Shaivite pilgrims are all very mellow and happy blokes.

img_1541For some reason these guys are scared to make eye contact with my camera lens.

India is full of exciting and unexpected scenes. Like this donkey taking a golden shower:

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And here’s the same urolagnic donkey guzzling the dirty piss juice:

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Those with a strong stomach will be rewarded with ripper views such as this one:

img_0508Almost every building in the city has an accessible rooftop, so even if your hotel doesn’t have one, a restaurant or something will.

Anyway piss off for now but check back next time and I’ll spin ya another yarn about all the joints I’ve been to around the globe that are almost as good as Australia.

Australia – South East Queensland

(For more riveting travel tales, click or hover your mouse over the home button above. After you read this masterpiece obviously).

Of course, being an Okka Aussie bloke, it goes without saying that I’m Australian. Unfortunately I just said it so now it does go with saying.

Australia is the most  beautiful and perfect country on the face of the planet Earth and realistically, probably the whole known universe (I can’t imagine the unknown universe could really compare either). That’s why I’ve decided to make my first Okka Aussie Abroad post about Australia. I’ve been all around the joint so I know it like the back of my hand, although a doctor or scientist could probably give a pretty accurate description of the back of my hand anyway, due to their knowledge and experience with anatomy.

I’ll start with the area I know best, South East Queensland. Here is South East Queensland circled on a map:

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Technically speaking, the northern portion of New South Wales, including Byron Bay, Nimbin and Tweed heads, all belong to Queensland. A civil war between the two states still rages on to this day over the subject of daylight savings time.

This is a picture of the magical view seen from the beach at Byron Bay, Queensland:

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It deceptively appears like any other beach on the planet, however the fact that the town lies in the New South Wales region of south-east Queensland elicits a romantic, adventurous and alternative vibe for some reason. Wealthy Sydneysiders with a desire to escape the hustle and bustle of the big smoke like to come to southern south-east Queensland (known by New South Welshmen as northern New South Wales), to enjoy the less populated hustle and bustle of Byron Bay.

Another popular area of Queensland is the capital of Brisbane – Caboolture – which is located one hour north of Brisbane. Below is the Central Business District of Caboolture on a clear day:

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Visible is the culinary delight known as Caboolture Seafood Market. At this (probably) locally owned business, you can enjoy exotic delights that will dance on your palette like Mikhail Baryshnikov. From crumbed sausages, chips with chicken salt and battered cod, to dagwood dogs, chips with plain salt and crumbed cod. For convenience, it is directly connected via hallway to the local tobacconist so you can grab your durries and bongs while you’re waiting for old mate to cook your feed.

Accommodation is plentiful in Caboolture, from Caboolture Motel to the brand new Caboolture Backpackers (conveniently located about 2km out of town), to the homeless tenements underneath Red Rooster on Morayfield Rd, there’s a room to suit every budget.

Located near Caboolture is Sideling Creek Dam in Kurwongbah, close to Narangba. This is an extremely popular location because it’s rarely explored by tourists or locals. Extreme sports enthusiasts will love this place cos  it’s the perfect for swimming, kayaking and looking at the water.

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(Please note, swimming and kayaking are strictly forbidden and offenders risk prosecution.)
Check back again soon for more exciting and useful travel posts that will help you live like a local in the world’s most breathtaking locations that I’ve been to.